How to Complicate an Egg.

Why does everything have to be so complicated these days? Take buying eggs for example. Simple enough you’d think.

WRONG!

My weekly grocery shop proved just how not simple buying eggs is these days. Back when I was a kid mom would give me some money and send me up the street to buy a dozen eggs from the superette (general store). Walk in, pick up the carton, head to the counter, pay for eggs, leave store. Simple. Buying a half dozen was a little more complicated, involving the shopkeeper sawing a dozen carton in half with a large bread knife. An exercise that always put me in mind of the "Lady Sawn in Half" trick. If it went wrong, the results were spectacularly messy.

On Saturday, however, I was confronted with half a supermarket aisle of eggs. Caged eggs, barn laid eggs, free range eggs, organic eggs, grain fed, omega 3 enriched and so on. Hell’s Bells. I just wanted bloody eggs.

There was the pink carton proudly proclaiming that a percentage of every carton sold was going to breast cancer research. I dislike it immensely when food tries to guilt trip me.

Then there were the Farmer’s Pride eggs. What’s the farmer got to be proud about? Did he lay the eggs himself? That would be something to boast about.

Not to forget the “new and improved” eggs. Though what was new about them and how you go about improving an egg I have no idea. Perhaps the hens were being given self empowerment classes or something.

And they’re not happy with the simple dozen and half dozen cartons. Oh no. You can buy a carton of 9 premium grade free range organic eggs in a windswept and exotic black and gold carton. Or if you’re really flush with money, a carton of 16 at around $20. In the same swept up snob value packaging. It was packaging that didn’t say “I am buying eggs” it screamed “I have more money than bloody sense and I’m a food snob”.

The one that really did for me, however, was the packaging that proudly proclaimed the eggs were “laid by happy hens”. Really? What’s the farmer been feeding them? Marijuana?

So look for me the next time you’re in the supermarket. I’m the one buying the “Free Range New Improved Just Laid by Totally Stoned Hens Who Have Been Meditating” eggs.